Wednesday, January 03, 2007

When did seeing Britney Spear's crotch go from everyone guy's wet dream to something your buddies trick you into doing on a dare?

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

J.K. Rowling will write the final installment of her Harry Potter novels in 2006. The seventh book will follow the adventures of the now 16-year-old hero. The title is "Harry Potter and Strange New Hair."

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

U.S. Supreme Court justices said Tuesday they would hear Anna Nicole Smith's appeal to fight for the fortune of her 90-year-old late husband. In related news, the terrorists have officially won.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Vice President Dick Cheney continues to defend his comments that the war in a Iraq is an 'enormous success story.' Frustrated by the critics, he has directed all future comments to his Natational Crazy Advisor, Tom Cruise.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

The government is enlisting truckers in the battle against terrorism. Reports are that this was President Bush's backup option. His original idea was to hire the Duke Boys.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

This year's "Frigid 50" published by named Michael Moore and Halle Berry the top LEAST intriguing celebrities of the year. Apparently, is run by gay Republicans.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

George Bush Sr. willing be parachuting on this 80th birthday, in a "exciting celebration of life." Or as most terroists call it, "skeet."

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

A recent study finds that doctors often prescribe newer, pricey drugs instead of the ones recommended under medical guidelines. A pharaceutical council representative replied to the study saying, "Excellent." This was followed by an evil laugh that scared away nearby birds.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

During a recent campaign stop, President Bush spelled out his plans to improve job training programs. He went on to describe the negative effects of no job training, but saying, "Look at me."

Monday, April 05, 2004

Researchers have found that watching television boosts toodlers' chances of developing attention deficit problems, as well as aggressiveness and obesity. But researchers are quick to mention that these side effects are acceptable if watching TV will keep those little shits occupied.

Friday, April 02, 2004

Despite limited evidence, the FDA is allowing food companies to include claims that walnuts can reduce heart disease on their packaging. This decision has already sparked a move to also claim that cashews can improve levitation.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

The music industry is suing 247 individuals in four European countries for illegal song swapping. Unlike similar American lawsuits, this one is not based on copyright infringement, but rather on that fact that the Europeans' taste in music is just so bad they should be forced to pay, dearly.

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Five women who say they were secretly videotaped undressing while they applied for jobs at a Los Angeles area Hooters sued the restaurant chain Tuesday. The dollar amount will be equal to their current rates for getting videotapped while undressing.

Wednesday, December 31, 2003

A 67-year-old woman who had a heart attack on a plane ride was helped by 15 heart doctors who happened to be on board -- heading to a convention in Florida. The woman was also attended to by the 15 mistresses that were also on board the plane.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Europe's biggest fishtank was wrecked on Wednesday by a fire that ravaged the Danish museum in which it is housed. Thankfully the clean up of the dead speciems will move forward with the arrival of Europe's biggest toliet bowl.

Friday, October 31, 2003

A man described by authorities as a known sexual predator was chased through the streets of South Philadelphia by an angry crowd of Catholic high school girls, who kicked and punched him after he exposed himself to them. R. Kelly has subsequently canceled his South Philadelphia concert.

Friday, September 19, 2003

Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith's former male housekeeper is suing the celebrity couple for alleged failure to pay overtime and failure to refer to him as Housekeeper Jazzy Jeff.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

The structural failure of a ceiling grid at an Atlantic City, New Jersey, venue over the weekend may have brought the Justin Timberlake/Christina Aguilera tour to an abrupt end. When asked for comment, Aguilera said, "Even skanks be needin' ceilin' grids too."

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

Madonna will be the new face for Gap's fall multimillion dollar ad campaign. Gap's spokeswoman says that this will help the retailer better market to its new core audience: slutty, rich MILF's.

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

Hollywood star Leonardo DiCaprio has been questioned in a $45 million lawsuit stemming from a five-year-old case that alleges he ordered friends to "kick the ass" of actress Elizabeth Berkley's ex-boyfriend. The judge is likely to throw out the case due to the fact that the boyfriend's physical assault was nothing compared the damage already done to his career by dating the "Showgirls" star.

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

Students from China and other regions of Asia affected by the SARS virus will not be accepted for the summer session at the University of California at Berkeley. In a related story, Caucasian students in the math and science classes are protesting that they won't have anyone to cheat off of.

Thursday, May 01, 2003

Spammers who send unsolicited e-mail pitches now risk landing in prison under a tough Virginia law. A complaint is being filed by newly formed spammer support committee called People for Cheap Sluts, Sexy Singles in Your Area, Online Casinos, and Penis Enlargers.Their report, entitled "Are You Mad at Me? ZY3W" is due out this week.

Friday, April 18, 2003

Katie Couric and Jay Leno will be switching jobs for one day on May 12. Couric will host the Tonight show and Leno will be groped by Al Roker.

Friday, March 28, 2003

The Mayor of Lambertville, NJ, home of "Millionaire" winner Zora Andrick has named this Saturday "Zora Day." The Mayor said that this honor is being bestowed on her for "setting a fine example for personality-less gold diggers everywhere who are looking to attract dim-witted, underwear-modeling construction workers."

Thursday, March 27, 2003

Celine Dion took the stage Tuesday night at Caesars Palace in the debut of "A New Day," her multimillion-dollar show that will run for 3 years. Roy, from Segfried & Roy, commented, "It's really the gayest thing I've ever seen."