When did seeing Britney Spear's crotch go from everyone guy's wet dream to something your buddies trick you into doing on a dare?

J.K. Rowling will write the final installment of her Harry Potter novels in 2006. The seventh book will follow the adventures of the now 16-year-old hero. The title is "Harry Potter and Strange New Hair."

U.S. Supreme Court justices said Tuesday they would hear Anna Nicole Smith's appeal to fight for the fortune of her 90-year-old late husband. In related news, the terrorists have officially won.

Vice President Dick Cheney continues to defend his comments that the war in a Iraq is an 'enormous success story.' Frustrated by the critics, he has directed all future comments to his Natational Crazy Advisor, Tom Cruise.

The government is enlisting truckers in the battle against terrorism. Reports are that this was President Bush's backup option. His original idea was to hire the Duke Boys.

This year's "Frigid 50" published by FilmThreat.com named Michael Moore and Halle Berry the top LEAST intriguing celebrities of the year. Apparently, FilmThreat.com is run by gay Republicans.

George Bush Sr. willing be parachuting on this 80th birthday, in a "exciting celebration of life." Or as most terroists call it, "skeet."

A recent study finds that doctors often prescribe newer, pricey drugs instead of the ones recommended under medical guidelines. A pharaceutical council representative replied to the study saying, "Excellent." This was followed by an evil laugh that scared away nearby birds.

During a recent campaign stop, President Bush spelled out his plans to improve job training programs. He went on to describe the negative effects of no job training, but saying, "Look at me."

Researchers have found that watching television boosts toodlers' chances of developing attention deficit problems, as well as aggressiveness and obesity. But researchers are quick to mention that these side effects are acceptable if watching TV will keep those little shits occupied.

Despite limited evidence, the FDA is allowing food companies to include claims that walnuts can reduce heart disease on their packaging. This decision has already sparked a move to also claim that cashews can improve levitation.

The music industry is suing 247 individuals in four European countries for illegal song swapping. Unlike similar American lawsuits, this one is not based on copyright infringement, but rather on that fact that the Europeans' taste in music is just so bad they should be forced to pay, dearly.

Five women who say they were secretly videotaped undressing while they applied for jobs at a Los Angeles area Hooters sued the restaurant chain Tuesday. The dollar amount will be equal to their current rates for getting videotapped while undressing.

A 67-year-old woman who had a heart attack on a plane ride was helped by 15 heart doctors who happened to be on board -- heading to a convention in Florida. The woman was also attended to by the 15 mistresses that were also on board the plane.

Europe's biggest fishtank was wrecked on Wednesday by a fire that ravaged the Danish museum in which it is housed. Thankfully the clean up of the dead speciems will move forward with the arrival of Europe's biggest toliet bowl.

A man described by authorities as a known sexual predator was chased through the streets of South Philadelphia by an angry crowd of Catholic high school girls, who kicked and punched him after he exposed himself to them. R. Kelly has subsequently canceled his South Philadelphia concert.

Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith's former male housekeeper is suing the celebrity couple for alleged failure to pay overtime and failure to refer to him as Housekeeper Jazzy Jeff.

The structural failure of a ceiling grid at an Atlantic City, New Jersey, venue over the weekend may have brought the Justin Timberlake/Christina Aguilera tour to an abrupt end. When asked for comment, Aguilera said, "Even skanks be needin' ceilin' grids too."

Madonna will be the new face for Gap's fall multimillion dollar ad campaign. Gap's spokeswoman says that this will help the retailer better market to its new core audience: slutty, rich MILF's.

Hollywood star Leonardo DiCaprio has been questioned in a $45 million lawsuit stemming from a five-year-old case that alleges he ordered friends to "kick the ass" of actress Elizabeth Berkley's ex-boyfriend. The judge is likely to throw out the case due to the fact that the boyfriend's physical assault was nothing compared the damage already done to his career by dating the "Showgirls" star.

Students from China and other regions of Asia affected by the SARS virus will not be accepted for the summer session at the University of California at Berkeley. In a related story, Caucasian students in the math and science classes are protesting that they won't have anyone to cheat off of.

Spammers who send unsolicited e-mail pitches now risk landing in prison under a tough Virginia law. A complaint is being filed by newly formed spammer support committee called People for Cheap Sluts, Sexy Singles in Your Area, Online Casinos, and Penis Enlargers.Their report, entitled "Are You Mad at Me? ZY3W" is due out this week.

Katie Couric and Jay Leno will be switching jobs for one day on May 12. Couric will host the Tonight show and Leno will be groped by Al Roker.

The Mayor of Lambertville, NJ, home of "Millionaire" winner Zora Andrick has named this Saturday "Zora Day." The Mayor said that this honor is being bestowed on her for "setting a fine example for personality-less gold diggers everywhere who are looking to attract dim-witted, underwear-modeling construction workers."

Celine Dion took the stage Tuesday night at Caesars Palace in the debut of "A New Day," her multimillion-dollar show that will run for 3 years. Roy, from Segfried & Roy, commented, "It's really the gayest thing I've ever seen."